Looking forward: an ever-expanding list of hopes and dreams
As I enter the last 17,000,000 seconds of my high school career, I find myself thinking more and more about the future I hope to build for myself. The following list contains all of the things I hope to accomplish in my life at OU and beyond. Updates are inevitable. As is success.
(Pictured with fellow mellophone seniors. From left: Josh Jacobs, Samanatha Bee, Zach Jackson)
Goals: 1. Give a maid of honor speech about how marriage is an antiquated institution 2. Have my British arch nemesis despairingly say “clever girl” in reference to me after I have bested them in a battle of wits 3. Die without ever having done my own taxes 4. See an indie film and grab a bite with Rachel Bloom 5. Spend an evening at Jon Stewart’s farm which despite my agnosticism I feel perfectly comfortable equating to nirvana 6. Shave off at least one of Sean Hannity’s eyebrows 7. Win one Emmy for every child my sister has to ensure we have equally full lives 8. Have an elevator breakdown result in a romantic epiphany 9. Trick Tomi Lahren into getting a Japanese lower back tattoo that does not mean what she thinks it means 10. Tell Elijah Wood how much I loved his performance in Spy Kids 3D 11. Free Christopher Wallace from the racist Barbie factory that is holding him prisoner 12. Find Jesus with the help of Catholic prophet Stephen Colbert 13. Let a pair of Mormons into my house to see if they actually have a presentation prepared 14. Spend the night in an aquarium 15. Single White Female Samantha Bee at an original Daily Show cast reunion 16. Get Swedish citizenship *marry Swede if necessary 17. Bitch about my ex husband to my best friend Mindy Kaling as we drink red wine and watch Shonda Rhime’s new show about female empowerment that takes place in Atlantis (details TBD)
18. Attend a Teen Titans themed party so I can dress up like Starfire and pretend that I hate dressing up like Starfire whilst secreting loving that I am dressed like Starfire 19. Subvert the patriarchal paradigm (obvi) 20. Give an awards show acceptance speech that has a secret message when you combine the first letter of every word. 21. Graduate the Gaylord College, become Gay knight! 22. Learn why no one talks about how hilarious the name Gaylord is 23. Stop finding the name Gaylord so hilarious (come on Gabi! Keep it classy) 24. Become Anne Coulter’s oral surgeon so I can sew her mouth shut while she’s sleeping (Dark but necessary) 25. Figure out how long hugs should last (is firmness proportional to how long I’ve known you? And should duration reflect my level of affection?) 26. Stop being weird 27. Play charades with Judd Apatow and Leslie Mann 28. Forgive Chris Messina for leaving the Mindy Project (time cannot heal all wounds) 29. Buy my mom a red beetle with a tan interior 30. Tell constant premature ejaculation jokes inspired by the word “Sooner” 31. Scream “I am infinite” into the Grand Canyon at the culmination of my post-divorce journey of self discovery 32. Write a fan fiction of Ethan Frome that inspires a movie in which Zeena is mauled by a bear and buried with the shards of her pickle dish and Mattie and Ethan escape to the West and build a nice life for themselves.
33. Go to Ireland and sing an Irish drinking song in a pub with a bunch of old guys whose knees tell them when it’s about to rain. 34. Don’t do number 30. Number 30 is dumb
35. Star in a movie where I play my own twin and we switch places and learn a valuable life lesson.
36. Interrupt a business meeting by bursting into a conference room and screaming “I need a hug”
